Feelings Vs. Me

(totally unrelated picture by yours truly)

People who really know me will probably tell you that I avoid feelings as best as I can - or they would, if I'd actually get around to talk about this particular feeling wih them. Which I don't).
Because, here's the thing, I hate having feelings so much. Don't get me wrong, I love it when I'm happy and I sometimes like to have a good cry like every other person, but anything other than that? It's a big no from me.

I have a huge tendency to repress my feelings and not talk about them, which probably causes me more problems than I need to have. And it's not that I don't open up to my friends and discuss my problems, but I usually only do that if they're the ones asking if everything's okay, meaning that I often don't search for help when I'm feeling down.
Instead, I try to fight my feelings with logic: reasons I have for not feeling the way I'm feeling, or the repetition of the thought "this is ridiculous, and I don't really feel this", or just generally pretending that I'm not feeling the way I am to avoid overthinking about it.

And if you come to me with questions about your own problems or just needing to talk something out, I'll gladly offer a shoulder for you to cry on but I'll also give you lists of solutions or reasons for you to feel better, because that's just how my brain tends to work: immeadiatly fix instead of taking the time to identify the problem.

For example, when I get a crush (which is kind of happening right now and is the main reason for me to write this post), I panic. I think of one million reasons for me not to have that crush. I don't tell my friends in fear of making said crush feel more real. I (try to) repress the thought of having a crush, which usually ends up in me thinking about it more. This is what happens when you ignore your feelings, kids. Not fun.
And what you know what also happens when I avoid my feelings? I eventually reach breaking point - putting it in other words, I cry.. I don't usually cry, but when I do, boy, do I cry. Even if I start crying about one specific thing, I always end up crying rivers and having mental breakdowns because of all the other things I should've thought about but just repressed for too long.

So, yeah, I should probably get on my feelings more and not pretend like they're not there. Or I'll end up insane and with a huge heart that tries to carry all of my worries, but can't quite. Fun time for the whole family, right? Yeah, not at all.